05.02.2015 / Defining some lines
TW: mental illness, psychiatric hospital, suicide
I’ve been a bit shy about this video, kept it to myself mostly. It was filmed in November last year at Commonground Festival, just after I got out of hospital. Watching it, there feels like such a giant rift between my life now and what’s in the video. This is a good thing ultimately, but it feels like watching a video of myself from my awkward high school years; I’m all wide-eyed and anxsty and just-holding-it-together in a way that is hard to sit with.
It’s also uncomfortable because it’s revealing in a way I’ve not done before (which is saying something). Till now I’ve kept things pretty vague on purpose. I wanted to start a conversation about mental illness, not start a conversation about me and my diagnosis or symptoms. More importantly though, I didn’t want to scare anyone. I knew people would be concerned, but I didn’t want anyone to be afraid, which is why I’ve held onto this video.
I wanted to be able to post this video say “Hey, here’s some more outlines of what this looks like. Yes it is scary, yes it is hard, but it gets better”. Back when this video was shot, I didn’t really believe in better. Honestly I didn’t even know what it looked like, I couldn’t imagine it. I was really just faking it, and hoping I’d make it. But now I feel like I have made it. At least enough of the way there to know that better is a realistic option.
So here are some more outlines. Yes it is scary. Yes it is hard. But it gets better. Better than you can imagine right now. It really does.