Written in collaboration with Kathryn Turtle and performed at the Slamalamadingdong 2014 Finals.
A Couple More Horizons
I’m 26 and I think I’ve wasted my youth again
I was complacent, I fell asleep watching television
When I woke up, my world felt flat
The DVD title music weaved into my good will hunting dream
Until I realise I am not a janitor come genius
I am just a girl that has been left to wake up at 2am alone
Stuck to the couch like a melted apricot between windscreen and dashboard on a hot day
I have been having these dreams
Where I never found my voice
Just cradled this bundle of notes
like the pigeon I found that day in prep
Wondering how something with so much direction doesn’t
They said I could be anything
But I misheard, I thought they said I could be everything
I am that golden child. I am that limitless potential.
But that potential should have fruited by now right?
I am no longer young enough to be impressive
What if it never got better than this?
Would that be so bad?
The greatest happiness I’ve ever felt might be the greatest happiness I’ll ever feel
But eventually, I’ll feel it again
And black is just the white that used to be black
My psychologist says I should try mindfulness
See, I’ve wound myself in so many circles
I could be a toilet roll
She tells me: distractions aren’t failure
they’re opportunities to circle back to peace
Since then, I’ve come to the divine realisation:
I fucking hate meditation
Don’t feed me lines about watering seeds of joy.
Explain to me the science of “being present”
Paint me as the map maker, erasing those routes to the abyss.
Saying goodbye to my own worthlessness as I would farewell an unpleasant relative.
I have endured you. And now it is your time to go.
“The Present Moment” is prescribed as
a fix-all for the mediocrity of living
Like existence can only FULLY happen when my dumb arse notices it
There’s a trap I fall into
Where I think about ‘Happiness’ like it’s a location,
and the only direction is: “not here”
It’s three notches down on my to-do list. A couple more horizons.
But I’ve learned this trick. I’ll make the horizon come to me.
I’ll rewrite success so I’m included.
A simple shift. Like the way Yarra Trams changed the definition of late to make the trains run on time.
Success today is brushing my teeth. Microwave meals. Calling my mum.
Success today is maintaining a friendship.
Finishing a piece of writing.
Is feeling ok to do less.
I’m 26 and every now and then
I think I’ve wasted my youth
But it’s not gone, it’s just been spent.
And today and all those days ahead. I’ll spend them too.
On a new kind of achievement. One measured not in size but in effort.
Success today is forgiving myself for my lack of success today.