A Couple More Horizons

Written in collaboration with Kathryn Turtle and performed at the Slamalamadingdong 2014 Finals.

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Kathryn Turtle

Honor Eastly

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A Couple More Horizons

 

I’m 26 and I think I’ve wasted my youth again

I was complacent, I fell asleep watching television

When I woke up, my world felt flat

 

The DVD title music weaved into my good will hunting dream

Until I realise I am not a janitor come genius

I am just a girl that has been left to wake up at 2am alone

Stuck to the couch like a melted apricot between windscreen and dashboard on a hot day

 

I have been having these dreams

Where I never found my voice

Just cradled this bundle of notes

like the pigeon I found that day in prep

Wondering how something with so much direction doesn’t
go anywhere

 

They said I could be anything

But I misheard, I thought they said I could be everything

I am that golden child. I am that limitless potential.

But that potential should have fruited by now right?

I am no longer young enough to be impressive

 

What if it never got better than this?

Would that be so bad?

The greatest happiness I’ve ever felt might be the greatest happiness I’ll ever feel

But eventually, I’ll feel it again

And black is just the white that used to be black

 

My psychologist says I should try mindfulness

See, I’ve wound myself in so many circles

I could be a toilet roll

She tells me: distractions aren’t failure

they’re opportunities to circle back to peace

Since then, I’ve come to the divine realisation:

I fucking hate meditation

 

Don’t feed me lines about watering seeds of joy. 

Explain to me the science of “being present”

Paint me as the map maker, erasing those routes to the abyss.

Saying goodbye to my own worthlessness as I would farewell an unpleasant relative.

I have endured you. And now it is your time to go. 

 

“The Present Moment” is prescribed as
a fix-all for the mediocrity of living

Like existence can only FULLY happen when my dumb arse notices it

 

There’s a trap I fall into

Where I think about ‘Happiness’ like it’s a location,

and the only direction is: “not here”

It’s three notches down on my to-do list. A couple more horizons.

 

But I’ve learned this trick. I’ll make the horizon come to me.

I’ll rewrite success so I’m included.

A simple shift. Like the way Yarra Trams changed the definition of late to make the trains run on time.

Success today is brushing my teeth. Microwave meals. Calling my mum. 

 

Success today is maintaining a friendship. 

Finishing a piece of writing. 

Is feeling ok to do less.

 

I’m 26 and every now and then

I think I’ve wasted my youth

But it’s not gone, it’s just been spent. 

 

And today and all those days ahead. I’ll spend them too.

On a new kind of achievement. One measured not in size but in effort.

Success today is forgiving myself for my lack of success today.